I want to kill myself because

Nobody cares bout me
Nobody notices me
Nobody value me

They are upset because of me
They are mad because of me
They are sad because of me
Their life is partly miserable because of me

I don't want to live my life anymore
I don't want to bring worries for them anymore
I don't want them to be happy when I'm not here anymore

They say is their fault when argue happen between us
They say bad things happen because of some other reasons
but i know it's because of me i bring them miserable

I want to disappear
If i do not exist in this world,
they have no worries anymore
If i do not exist in this world,
they will not blame themselves for me

I am useless
I am a troublemaker
I can't do anything right

Everyone is lying to me
I live in a pool of lie nobody will ever understand
I need to live in this lie so nobody else gets hurt
I might just die with the lie,
so nobody knows
so everyone will live their peaceful life

When i say I want to die
I don't want to live anymore
I want to kill myself
That is when people notice me

why

why only now you know my existence and value
oh wait, because I don't value in your lifes even I value all of you
but nobody cares
this world nobody cares each other

i'm a freak
i have mental problem
i have depression
i am tired

i don't want to dissapoint anyone anymore
i don't want to upset anyone anymore
i don't want to make anyone get hurt anymore
i don't want to live anymore

leave me alone

Dream 2.0

I had this dream I was in the neighbourhood. 

This girl, she is always digging everyday. 

The first day when she was digging,

 people thought that she was planting something but the second day, 

and the following days, p

people started to become curious, 

and also because they never seen her father who used to come out to greet the neighbours.  

The neighbourhood started to ask her why is she digging 

and she started to be frustrated and did not want anyone to talk to her.

 Some people thought that 

she was going to bury her father because

 of his father's disappearance, 

but she keeps on digging. 

Nobody knows what the mystery is. 

So the mystery goes on.

Back to the main point of the story haha

So , turning 21 is the day I am most looking forward too. It is the most important day of my life. Because I am going to turn 21 which means turning into an adult. I have so much high expectations and it means a lot to me.

So in my dream, 

I was with my family in the same neighbourhood 

which I never been before in my life. 

I don't know where is it in real life, 

but in my dreams, the neighbourhood is where I stay and 

where I grew up and dad wants to visit the place 

to get old stuff out and revisit the neighbours.

So in my dreams, 

my birthday was few days nearer, 

then I was really expecting something my dad would do for me. 

SO when I sat down with my dad in the room, 

it seems like a old jewelry room which was empty and nothing was inside

 but it was bright and still looking nice. 

SO, I was sitting with my dad face to face telling him I got something I want to tell him.

 I told him I have expectations for my birthday but I know I shouldn't 

but this means a lot for me. 

Then he said, do you think I would forget? 

Look at my neck what I have got. 

Then I look at him, 

He was wearing my necklace, 

a gold necklace, with a lock and a key, 

it was so beautiful. 

I was shocked and I cried because 

I was so happy dad remembers. 

Dad took out the necklace from his neck and put it on me. 

I was crying so hard and hugged him because dad still remembers my birthday

 and what I have always want, 

a key necklace. 

Since I was young, 

I saw my dad presented my cousin a necklace

 then I was curious I asked my dad,

 why key necklace, then he said key necklace is the symbol of turning to an adult 

and it's presented by your father or if you have a boyfriend, 

your boyfriend will present you. 

From that day on, 

I can't wait to turn 21 to receive a key and a birthday bash. 

*crying as I am typing*  

BUT seems like i am in Australia, 

21st birthday bash is not going to happen hey.

Back to the dream, 

dad says he purposely came back to the neighbourhood 

because it was my birthday.

 He wanted to surprise me in the old house. 

The old house reminds me my childhood 

and it is the perfect place to surprise me with the necklace. 

I am so happy that I was tearing in my dreams. I

 love my dad so much that he takes care of me all this 21 years and remembers what I want. 

Then I woke up, realised that I was covering in tears. 

So, it was a dream. I don't know whether dad remembers my birthday or not . 

But if he forgets then it's no biggy, because he's busy. 

As long as I am healthy and happy, I am the most lucky girl in the world :)

First Job interview, I felt hopeless

So I flew all the way from Brisbane to Sydney to attend this infrastructure developer company. 

To think back of the interview, I did terrible. 

Firstly they asked me to do an essay consisted of 5 questions. 

I answered the first one which was, why did you choose to study in your field and

 have you ever think of choosing a career that is out of your study field.

 The other questions was something like,

 is it right to lie or say the truth in what circumstances and then I forgot the other questions.

 So I filled up the form and filled up with what I was thinking in my head.

So after that, I was invited into the room for interview and overall they were looking for people who has critical honking and creative mindset for marketing people who can sell property in long term and more of a corporate strategic marketing mindset.

After so many questions like what do you know about the company and how would I do to sell the property. I would say I did my best to answer those questions but seemed like everything I have learned just doesn't met his requirements. 

I didn't seem to apply my theories on this kind of corporate marketing. 

I tried my best to answer his questions but seemed like I didn't impress him, 

 while the more I answer, the more he doesn't agree.

In details, he asked questions like, 

what were you doing and learned from summer school? What did you do in sales trainee? 

What do you know about the company? Do u think CSR is branding or marketing?

 How do you apply 4Ps in property marketing? What do you know about about strategic marketing? He also said, you are focusing in fmcg and I am surprised why didn't you

 have internship with amip companies (advertising)? Marketing has so many faces, Service, fmcg and corporate companies like them. What area are you focusing on? 

He told me, you are all over the place, what marketing are you focusing on?

 And he gave me 3 areas, I told him the two I am familiar with and my reason for not saying corporate because we didn't learn in class. And I said I was willing to learn while he said I was not answering his question. 

And I came to realise that feeling of disappointment for myself, is after I answered him I am suitable more on service and fmcg, and it instantly made me feel I am not suitable for the job.

 And that instant silence and his stare like - yes you are not suitable for the job.

After the whole interview, he asked me some other areas of my experiences from my resume, 

and I seemed like answering him all over the place. 

Me too, I don't know what the fuck I was answering. 

I was all over the place repeating the same answer as I realised.

When the time to ask him back questions, I asked him what is it like for a corporate marketing? 

 He answered, more on strategic and long term marketing unlike fmcg new products everyday. 

He explained it all including something like meeting buyer's needs and resale value and their company is more on creating value on their property. 

He then asked me back, am I looking to work on the same thing? 

I instantly answered what was in my head, yes like meeting customers need and purchasing power. But he looks like he wasn't satisfied with my answer. 

I also asked him, what is their company looking for in a student since in our studies, because mostly corporate business doesn't involve in our studies. 

Seems like he was doubting on his answers since he was covering his mouth while answering my question. He said they were looking for people with critical thinking and creativity and train them in the programme and bringing up the potential ones. 

Last question was thick face question I asked, 

when can I know the result. He answered 2 - 3 weeks time.

Hand shaking his hand and walk away saying thank you walking towards the door. 

The other lady asked me to stay to discuss whether to give me an assessment.

 And when they were discussing at the table while I was sitting there,

 I heard them saying something about sales sales and sales and I can't hear others. 

After that, the lady told me they will contact me via email and maybe do the assessment online. 

So after that I walked out the door.

.. 

I called my mom the first thing. I pour into tears after hearing her voice over the phone. 

She asked me what happened and I was sobbing and want to fall into her arms instantly. 

Then I got into control and told her about my interview that I did terrible. 

I just felt like it was an instant failure.

 I did my best but it was terrible. 

I felt like after 3 years of studying marketing and I weren't able to answer the interview questions. 

I felt useless instantly.

 My mom laughed over the phone and comfort me over the phone. 

She told me it is alright, take it as an experience. 

This is the first time and you will have more opportunities coming in. 

As for me, I want to be good in everything that I am good at, but after the interview I felt useless. 

The questions and his dissatisfaction for my answers crushed me like I am not good enough for being a marketer.

 After going thru the interview it made me felt loss whether I am really suitable on marketing or not. 

I told my mom, what do they expect me as a student to answer 

property questions like I haven't experience.

 I am mad of myself for performing so stupid I front of that interviewer.

 My mom told me that, it's alright. 

It's just an experience and, maybe that field isn't what I am good at. 

And I told my mom, the interviewer kept asking me fmcg and 

she agreed that choosing fmcg field is a good base for me to extend. 

But I felt like fmcg is not a really big company like corporates, but she told me that, properties are dropping now and look at dad's business, f&b industry is a good choice too. 

But in my mind after this interview, I strive for higher position, higher reputation. 

My mom comfort me that, every field has it's benefits and 

everyone needs to learn from the beginning. 

My dad and mom said, from this interview experience,

 I get to learn how an interviewee interviews and gained experience that money couldn't buy. In future, I am able expect from an interviewee and could perform better next time 

and I as an employer in the future, I am able to asked professional questions like that. 

They comforted me, look at the bright side, you've learned something from this experience. 

They told me to just treat it as a normal mood and don't expect too high. 

But eventually, I gave myself high expectations and I felt so much disappointment for myself. 

Life lesson learnt indeed from my first professional interview.

Lesson 1, do research on the company and expect what questions they

 will ask in your study field and prepare answers for that.

 Lesson 2, don't have high expectations for yourself. If this doesn't work out, prepare well next time and know what are you suitable in. 

Lesson 3, try better next time. Learn from interview mistakes and what I am weak in. 

For this time, I realised, corporate field was not my strength but in terms of short term marketing,

 I am have major strength in it. So I have to see a wider world.

Well, my first professional interview. I totally felt disappointment on myself.

 However, I seek my weakness thru this and gave me a life lesson and rethink

 what should I do with my life. 

Keep on learning and improving and learn from mistakes and major in your strengths. 

Good opportunities will come that suits you, thus do your best in your strength.

Be optimistic of the future. 

First step to the Big issue magazine

*Not doing advertisement, just a self experience story to share in my blog*

Just so you know, The Big Issue is a magazine sold by vendors who are homeless on the street of Australia from morning until evening. It's a magazine for $6 where $3 is for the vendor.

1. Why people don't buy the big issue?

One of the reason was, it was came over from a conversation with my classmates. 

They were locals, girls, around my age. They said they felt uncomfortable buying from someone sitting on the street looking messy and unspiritual. By honest means, 

people feel disgusted buying from someone who is homeless and unhygienic. 

They also discussed, if they want to sell the big issue, they should have a proper person to sell OR

 the homeless should do something else not like sitting on the corner selling it.  

Also, in peer pressure means, no one is buying it so people doesn't dare to approach to buy it.

2. So why did I plan to buy this Big Issue today?

So I finished work and heading home passing by the usual street. 

When I reached the traffic light junction of Topshop, 

I saw this boy desperately approaching people holding his big issue holding up showing in front of people. And he approached me too but I kindly rejected as always. I walked pass him and crossed the road and popped into my mind, I have this assignment to do with this big issue therefore I turn my way back and want to purchase from him and my instinct told me that I have to go back and buy this. 

As per our conversation, he said in mumbling way that his English pronunciation was not clear saying " I was hopeless when you just walk away but now you turned back to buy from me" Something like that because he was speaking unclearly. 

I said, yeah, I have an assignment to do on this topic so why not buying one to know more about it and I took out a $20 note and asked whether he ha a change. He shook his head and said he doesn't have change. Then I was looking around and asking myself what can I do. Then he said there's a grocery store maybe I can make a change there and asked whether he want to come along. I said it's okay, I will come back.

 So I went to the shop and the uncle said he can't make changes for $1 so I changed for $10 and went to the next bubble tea shop and made a change for $5 and $1 change.

 I was thinking, I can get away with this by walking to the other street. But then, 

I will feel guilty if I did that.  So I went back and he looked disappointed that he thought he lose a customer. I described it this way as it was so obvious on his face. It would be a hope crushing for him that he will lose humanity in his life if I didn't come back. 

I've been there and I don't want to do that to people.

So I came back with the money and he hand me the book.

 He said thank you very much for buying and that was the second book he sold 

when he stand there from 5am till now around 4pm. 

He also told me that there is a new issue tomorrow and this is the old version, 

he said I can return this to him and get my money back 

and he will pass to me the new version tomorrow.

 I said it's okay, I can buy another time. 

He told me I can buy from him the next time where he is working at the train station. 

I nodded and thank him saying have a nice day and he told me the same too.

As I head back to the road on green light, I put my magazine immediately 

into my grocery shopping bag. 

I somehow don't want people to know I purchased the magazine. 

So as I walked thru the road where there is not a crowd, 

I read on the cover page and saw $3 to the homeless vendor that can help their life.

 I quickly folded the cover page to the next page as people passing by.

 I read the title pages to see what content they have and the editors behind this magazine. 

It was realised it was a non-profit organisation helping disadvantage and homeless people. 

Vendors are homeless but to help themselves and their family, they take the move to sell to earn some money for their living.

As I read on the first few pages, I read this article of this vendor in Adelaide who chose to sell this magazine and make a small amount of money and help herself from not being moneyless. 

Also another page how vendors turned out to be and

 how they have been thru by selling the Big Issue.

While I was reading thru the content, I felt, why do I need to feel ashamed to buy this magazine. 

It's not like I did something bad or it's something not good. 

I helped someone and judge me if you want to.

So I unfolded the magazine and not to be ashamed that 

I bought this magazine while walking my way back home.

And when I thought back, if it wasn't for the motivation of my assignment, 

I wouldn't purchase this magazine.

 I thought back of how desperately this boy was trying to sell this magazine. 

That desperate of approach you would do when you really need someone's help.

 I remembered when I was at the Turkey airport I missed the flight and I desperately needed help. Yes, I was alone, desperate and panicked at somewhere I am not familiar with, 

 in the midnight with my missing luggage and no wifi and phone line to contact anyone. 

I have no idea what to do, hoping someone can help me.  

Yes, I had that desperation and it's another story to tell. 

 I was desperately begging people to help me. 

I met different kind of people and I am truly truly thankful that they helped me. 

And I helped people who needed help too. 

 It gave me hope to humanity. 

B I hope that I gave that boy some small help at least, rather than giving someone who sits there and doing nothing than to help someone who is helping themselves.

Buying the Big issue was one of a different kind of experience everyone should have.

My Space

Ok, he did not reply my message

After waiting for a few days

why am I still waiting

I always got guys out of my way doing things

I have been single for 2 years 

Telling myself, this is not the right time to fall in love

But sometimes, I need someone to care 

Just to care for how am I doing

Someone who really matters for me 

I get guys get into my way

Because of him he makes my mood fall all over the place 

Sometimes I'm vulnerable

I need someone to care

When the mood comes into my way

I slack and don't feel like doing anything

You know what

I need to give myself space

Not to let anyone into my life anymore

I am going to be single and not to date until I graduate 

Until I find myself a stable job 

I have no time for lovey dovey

All those hurting and waiting just makes me not myself

Yes maybe it's part of me but it just makes me become weaker 

I shall give myself space

To find what I want to do, 

what I need to do 

Give myself time to do

When the time comes, 

When fate comes, 

everything will come into places 

So if anyone comes into my space, 

I will say no and never think of it 

I need my space

Space and myself is all I need 

One mocha please

Well, I went there for a reason

I knew you were there because I need someone to talk to. 

I was heartbroken and was in a terrible mood. 

I knew you were there because it was Tuesday. 

You work on Tuesday night shift as the last time I went it was Tuesday night. 

I was not being myself when I went to there that day. 

That day was someday different for me. 

And you reminded me I sat there for 3 hours which I don't even remember. So 

I thought you were another cliche guys

 offering drinks to other girls like you find interested and you do all these moves.

 Because the next Tuesday when I passed by 

and wanted to say hi to you. 

You were serving customers.

 Seeing you smiling and the look on your eyes looking at them

is the same way you looked at me. 

So, I thought, yeah he treats every customers like that. 

I am thinking too much. 

I am no way special or you would remember me. 

So I took the other road opposite

 so you would not notice me or

 I wouldn't just bump into you and don't know what to say. 

I just recall that every guys are just the same, 

approaching girls and trying out their games with them and playing with their emotions.

 Well, I am just sick of it and don't want myself to get hurt again. 

So, I just pass by the place you work and never want to make any mistakes again 

or overloading myself with hallucinations that would happen to me. 

Yeah, and I pass by every week and saw you but to think nothing is going to happen and everything will be back into places. 

Everyone is going to live our own peaceful busy life. 

. . 

I never had the time to continue to read my book.

 Even I have, it didn't seem right to read my book in any spot.

 I find time to go back there but I was afraid that it would be somehow awkward or 

it doesn't feel the same special place anymore. 

I don't want to lose that vibe reading in that space. 

I told myself to give myself time. 

. . 

So why I went back there.

 I went back for a reason. 

I knew you were there. 

I wanted a break from the mess

 and the first thing I thought was to blog. 

I want to get out of from the house to blog, to calm myself down. 

I knew I would do stupid stuff and cannot control myself if I don't go out from this space. 

I knew you were there. Because it was Tuesday. 

I knew you were there, so I take my guts to go there, 

and did not have any expectations you would remember me. 

. . 

Honestly I don't remember what you would looked like. 

But when I reach there, 

and it recalled to me that I don't remember you looking like this. 

haha. 

I mean looking so charming but way heck,

 I just got myself into conscious and reminded myself, 

I just want to blog. I want to have my own space. 

I want to be alone. 

That's why I sat alone in the corner. I don't want anyone to find me or see me here.

 Because of the wind from the door behind, I was freezing and had no choice just to move in front.

While I was going to blog, I know I am going to break down in tears 

and you would think that I am a weirdo, and to think of that,

 it wasn't a good idea to come here to blog. 

But I packed up myself, reminded myself, 

there's no turning back to that sorrow place

 and it was too far to go to Starbucks or anywhere I could think of. 

So I packed up my mood and started blogging. 

And you came over and offered me my coffee.

 Honestly I was not being myself that night.

 I was gloomy and depress. I wanted to be alone. 

But you came to talk to me. 

I forgot how you started the topic.

 I was trying to be normal as possible

 and hoping you wouldn't see my red nose or tears in my eyes. 

I was faking my smile to look like I am okay.

 Well, I hoped I impressed you with my acting of being nothing is wrong with me. 

I didn't want to over exaggerate that 

I was sad and blogging about how I was going to do stupid things again. 

. . 

So you were talking to me and I was trying to adjust my mood back. 

And I recalled back you were just another guy who would approach any girl you find interested in 

and unfilling boxes like you always do to talk to any people. 

Or you were just doing your job and I was thinking too much again. 

But the more I know you, I find myself became calm 

and realised you were not like other guys.

 You were knowing what you were doing and you were taking control of everything you were doing. 

I felt embarrassed whether I was interrupting you working. 

But you insisted that was okay to have a chat. 

Well, since you insisted. I stayed for awhile. 

It was unusual for me to stay in one place to talk to someone when they're working. 

But I don't want to go back. You were a nice person after all.

 If you were to read this. I am so sorry that I judged you this quick.

 But you were a nice, mature, gentleman and plus points that you look charming, 

which I did say a few times you had that Zac Efron posture. 

I bet you thought I was a weird and scary girl reading the thriller book I told you about hey? 

But I have my story behind that, that's another blog to write. 

. . 

You were doing your stuff and we were chatting. 

Blasting the you so called metal pop music 

which I told you I wouldn't remember the artist's name from your phone 

makes me think of, you have a dark crazy side in your not so Maroon 5 enthusiast 

yet you sang along to Payphone.

You are a judicious person,

 instead of throwing away the sandwiches, you offered me one. 

To let you know, 

I named you Mr Brownie as you treated me Brownie the first time. 

But now, carrot cake and sandwiches? 

I'll stick to brownie just because it was first impression. 

haha.

 I guess you would bring your younger sister to anywhere she wants to go

 or what she wants to do because you talk about her.

 I guess, back in your home, 

you would bring your poodle and a husky, whom you love, 

to jog at the park or buy them food and toys they love 

and they would crawl over you and sleep on your lap.

You believed in fate,

 everything happens for a reason.

 You believed that working there and staying the night shift

 was the fate of meeting someone unexpected.

Sounds like you were happy to meet me 

but I wasn't sure I was thinking too much again 

or it was too good to be true that i was thinking the same thing too. 

You maybe blasting music in the kitchen

 while you're waiting the chicken to be cooked well 

or when you're cycling around singing along to the song

 and waiting for the time to pass, when can the night end for you. 

 Could imagine your room and house would be really clean and tidy 

because you told me you are extremely clean 

which fairly let me think that you have OCD, 

but nah, you are not that extreme to that point 

because you left some small chunks on the plate 

where people who have this disorder would just freakout, 

but you didn't. 

I guess you have been thru a lot in your life, 

working so hard having 2 jobs 

and even hurt yourself. 

Well you care about the bigger things than the smaller ones, 

you are optimistic,

 expecting that your hand will be alright that would not have any risk in the future.

. .

 You were doing your job and I was seeing you working.

 You were so focused in your job and I thought 

it wasn't a right time for me to know more about you.

 I was planning to leave when you were baking

 but you were responding to me and smiling to me that it was okay I can stay for awhile.

 I guess you were too focus on your job 

and thought that I was a nobody following you around the shop while you work.

 I stayed because 

I never felt so nice talking to someone 

and you were alright with it.

 I enjoyed chatting with you and seeing you work 

just because I want to open my own restaurant one day,

 working in a restaurant, it doesn't bore me. 

And looking at someone charming working 

it's not a bad thing and well of course

 it's a wonderful thing. 

. . 

So it was almost 3am, 

I felt tired and telling myself I need to leave before you think 

I am some crazy weirdo girl who wants to stay until the morning as much as I can do so,

 but chill, I don't want, I need to sleep.

 haha.

 I know how you feel working overnight shift, 

feeling your liver is going to crack and

you just cannot wait for the time to pass 

to fall into your comfy bed. 

Just like my mom, 

I companied her when she's working while I do my own stuff 

and gave her support and massage her stiff stressful back when she was working overnight. 

It breaks my heart to see her working that hard. 

I miss her. 

. . 

I gave you my number. 

Never expect that you would call me or contact me in future

 and gave you a handshake nice meeting you 

and remembered your captivating smile as I leave. 

It was nice talking to you that night and my mood was back on track. 

My emotions dragged me to the tip point but

 spending that 7 hours in that warm shop feels like a good unwind for me. 

Thank you, I really need that, 

to distract myself from the world for awhile. 

If you are reading this blog,

 it was nice meeting you.

 I hope that I didn't freak you out with my weirdness. 

See you around sometime :) 

This was my dream

I was running away from something, carrying my baby sister (whom I dont have one) on my hands from some incident in the city area one night.

 I was running and people around me was running too. Booms were exploding behind my head and I was escaping to find a shelter escaping the place. 

Everyone gathered in this one place. I overheard people were discussing that someone is saving us.

This person has some "superpowers" who can duplicate himself. His task was save the people and disappear where no one can find him anymore, even his shadows. He just disappeared.

My father was in the scene making sure that we were fine.

 He was beside me and my baby sister when we were standing among the crowds and being investigated by polis officers and reporters. We were being asked, do you know who is the disappeared man and my dad was suspected whether he is. 

He says how would I be one when I was worried about my daughter. The reporter said,"you weren't on the scene with your daughter when the accident happened." He says, "I was looking or them. I heard about the disappearing man. I am curious too." 

After the reporter and camera man took off the spotlight on my dad, my dad smile and greeted them thanks for the interview. I can imagine my dad's face was on the news screen. After that, my dad went over to talk to Uncle Sam, a Malay uncle that works with my dad's company as a salesman, a loyal and hardworking man doing all the good deeds (that's what I know him outside my dream). He went over and talked to him and discussing something I didn't bother to know. 

I carried my little baby sister around the place and see what is going on with other people on the rooftop, because i remembered we were in a square place and it was  roofless therefore I assumed we were on top of a building. 

Then there's a screen where it was live streaming. 

The disappearing man was caught on cctv camera. 

The guy on the tv looked absolutely like Uncle Sam. 

We saw the whole footage of his reaction on tv. 

He noticed that the cctv caught him going into the flames and hearing somone are coming to chase him. Then he looked panic and nervous when he turned around looking at the cctv. He heard people coming, then he "transformed himself".

The process was like shriking himself into really really thin, then until we could see his skeleton when he's shrinking and in a few SECONDS. All that left was his skeleton bone head on the floor with his clothes. and slowly the skelton head vanished into dust.

 The people who were chasing him was actually pedestrian trying to avoid him going into the flame, the pedestrain was really shocked when they see the skull remained on the floor and looked at the cctv and ran off the place. They were either trying to escape the place or trying to stop people going into the flame because before that, I heard pedestrian on the tv shouting"oi oi get out of there" then the man shrunked himself into skeleton.

After looking at the news, my baby sister and I became suspiscious and looking around the place for Uncle Sam and my dad where they were not around. My sister and I were thinking, is that really him, but we confirmed from what we saw, it was very sure it was him, but why...

*Going into my dad's mind* My dad wants to save the place and protest against the Government who destroyed and making a chaos of this place. He wants to recruit people who are willing to take this risk and people who will able to sacrifice themself to do this good deed. Basically, he was trying to recruit a secret army to defence and protest the government. But people on the news, thinks that he's the bad guy creating all these chaos which he is keeping this a secret so that this will process smoothly. 

Back to my concious and my baby sister's. I came back to reality and realising my sister is looking at a bunch of people discussing about the disappearing man. We went over and hear what they are talking about. 

We were standing beside them and being curious, who is that guy and what does he want from us. Suddenly, my baby sister had this alien connection with the aliens that transmit her to  the future. 

Her eyes became alien-ish and people around started wondering what is going on. 

I said, she's communicating with the aliens of the future, can't you see? 

The people say they cant see anything besides my siser staring and focus on my sight without talking and just silence. I said, can't u see her alien-ish eyes, they say she looks normal. 

Then I realised that I'm the only one who can see her being in the connection. 

When my sister came back into concious, she was dizzy a litlle bit but she's okay. I asked her, what did they told you. And I was connected with her concious and my conscious and was asking a question "is dad the dissapearing man?". She whispered in my ear with her sweet voive "yes he is". Everything came into sense now and we were very confirmed that he is. 

He was experimenting some chemical reaction stuff in the secret labotory with Uncle Sam that can duplicate people. At this moment, they can duplicate at least 2 bodies and disssapear whenever they want after consuming the chemical. But they don't know what is the negative side effects yet. The mission was to save the people. 

After that we saw dad and Uncle Sam again, we went to them and stared at them and my dad was yes what can i help you. Then i looked at him and say, "we know you are the disappearing man." Then his face was like curious and thought what nonsense we are saying. He was declining us but he didn't seem like this is ridiculous which I expect someone would response if they are really not.

 I told him how we found out. Baby sister had this vision from the aliens that you are and we are very confimred it's you. He says, what aliens. But i read his mind, if people know about this, people beside him will get hurt. I understand what he was trying to protect us. 

Then after that, a boom exploded again in the near area and the place shook.  

The last scene I remembered was my dad's justice face of worrying and my baby sister was clam. 

Then I woke up.

Inspiration Monday

Kinda regret I didn't took any pictures of that scene or I would have shared here :( 

Nevertheless, I was inspired when I saw this guy feeding a disabled child when the child was drawing on his small white board at the cafeteria. 

I feel a bliss of bless that this world, kindness and care is somewhere in the corner. 

I guess while he was feeding the little boy, it must feel weird or people looking. 

But in my eyes, 

he is so caring and patient and willing to spend his time on him. 

With the red rose tattoo on his left arm, 

I find him so attractive while taking care of the little guy. 

He was eating small cookie cereals while feeding him, holding a tube putting in yogurt drink and water into the tube that leads to the little guy's chest while the little guy was drawing on his board with his red pen. 

After finishing the little guy's meal, he packed his stuff, giving hand signs to the little boy to close his red pen's cap, letting him to carry his bag, showing hand signs to that little guy, pad his head and left. 

In this few minutes of scene, this inspired me that, why did I want to use my ability to help people who need. I find it touching and there must be a reason for me to see this scene today.

 Reminded me I want to help people too. 

Bless that little kid and hope I get to have a decent conversation with that guy one day. :)

Motivation Strikes: Be the Best version of me

I want to help the community. 

Doing some movements or something that will contribute and help someone those who needs or move people's heart to make a drive to help others.

I want to grab the whole of everything.

 Not only generally in marketing and advertising, more in depth like graphic design, I can make my own design and hold on something I want rather than depending on others who I won't feel satisfied in my guts. I can be dependent and doing it myself and meets other people's expectations. Employer depend on me, employers need me, their profit and reputation is depending on me, rather than me doing all those business calculative decisions. 

I want to do influence people at my work.  People take their moves after looking at my poster or advertisement or end design. I want to do something that move's people's heart, they will feel touched and do something after looking at it.

Because I was influenced by people and things and advertisements. 

I think making people to make a move or change a perspective is so powerful and controlling. People get to listen to you and depend on you is an intangibly powerful way. 

I know what I want, but does time and money allow me to?

I have the potential, I have talent, I love it when I am doing it, with hard work, dedication and  ability, nothing can stop me in what I want to do. Unless it's myself whether that I am stronger than my excuses. 

I am not sure what I am doing now will bring my way.

I am unclear whether what I am doing now in marketing works for me. I know it works for me, I can earn a living, but in the business wise, I am weak in business thinking. I can't be harsh or driven like my friends. I see them, they are really driven business minded people. I can be influential, but I can't be as convincing as them. Even when I am communicating, I admit I am bad at communicating. However, I would want to express it through my work. I admit I am bad at my work and creativity too, which is why I am striving for it and searching for it. Finding what that belongs to me. But with the business wise environment, does it allow me myself to convince I am good enough to break through these limitations?

I want to influence people, I want to convince people. I see artworks, advertisements, poster, billboard displays, events, they made a movement, people see and make that movement. I want to be the movement, I see business people convincing potential partners, I don't know how do they do it and I am somehow not interested how did you do that.

It's not the environment that had me today thinking wildly and madly like this, or probably. 

 I know I was born like this and meant to be doing this. It's good to have the environment finding what I eagerly want. I want to be beyond control, yet able to control people and they will follow unconsciously. I know I want to have the power and I have the ability to do so. To let people have  "oh wow" "hmm yes" "oh great one" "I need to have that" "I will do that".

Imagining my future with my current, I don't belong there. 

I imagine myself, with people in suits in the meeting room discussing the inflation and deflation of the economy affecting their business deciding what shares lose or put. I am not in that space, I would get lost.  I am imagining myself sitting in, the board room discussing ideas with my team helping the community into the next big project to the world or the country. As long as it's big and successful and positive influence, I can imagine it I am in. I want to create and design to help people. I can imagine, after the meeting or work, I attend high end fund raiser party, talking with big people that influence the world to what they are doing. With red classy gown holding a glass of champagne discussing with big names in the room, making potential partnerships and relationships with my organization. Not only business people will be here, I can also influence people with my works. 

Am I thinking too much, no,

 Because I believe there are people out there who lives like this. Rarely, but yes. The pathway to success is not difficult to get, because people who are consistent are rare. I don't need no Gucci or Prada, I want to satisfy my needs and able to earn a living for myself without troubles whilst enjoying what I do, enjoy my job. With those sleepless working nights or cups of coffee that would make me sick, yet I am still satisfied with my job and people pay for what I enjoy doing. This is the most powerful and satisfying thing in the world. 

Currently I feel weak.

 Classmates in my class who has already the ability and talent to do so makes me so envious to be like them. I have high demands for myself. Seeing them, I feel weak, I am no much closer to them. I feel so shallow and weak, yet I demand so much for myself to be them or better than them, be one of them. 

I want to do it and I have to do it. 

I have no time or no energy to wish something that I can make it come true. I want to be a wholesome of all everything I am capable of. Or else, I can't sleep or I can't live my life like that, I will feel sorry for myself and therefore I will not. I am still searching for it and still exploring for what I am. They say, make goals everyday that meets your end goal. Well, I know what is my goal is, time to move my ass to contribute hard work and consistency and determination on my movements. It's not how much you dream of, is how much you have started.

Results, Movements, Improvements. That is what I strive for. Tick of every day goal on my list, to reach out for my goal. 

July Addictions

I am at my worst now throughout my almost 21 years

At first, I just wanted to try new things, experience new things

At first, it was so fun, so eye opening, so fun

Living the life I thought was really cool

The first time I first experience, 

clubbing

It was so exciting when I am going to feel the never ending nights

I was happy with that, my first experience will be dedicated to this wonderful place

I told myself

Whatever happens, I am going to be open minded to all of this

Holding someone's hand I trust, going through this whole experience 

I am dependable, I trust people so easily that I did not realise
I would hurt myself one day (today)

Going through the nights, surrounded by beautiful people and holding that cup of beer

Beer after beer , wanna lose myself in the music, wanna throw myself into someone

I was happy, I was having so much fun, I wanna do it again and again

So addicted to it, beer and party 

That feeling was like a drug 

Here, I can be anyone, 

Letting go of myself and be who I wanna be 

Here, people accept for who you are (physically)

But at some point, they talk behind your back

That happens right

So I have a choice, 

showing people what I want them to know about me

Another night, another cute guy

it was not easy to approach them, 

but this wasn't my first time

like I said

when you enjoy doing something

It's like a drug, 

you wanna do it again and again

as long as you're at the safe zone

unless you're a pussy 

or you just don't wanna take the risk

Another hookup at this place, 

At first it was pretty awkward, 

After that, just go with the flow

After that happen, no one leaves anything

The next day, it's a new day again

I met this guy almost everyday

Him passing by me and giving me that look and that smile, 

So charming and I just wanna see more or even get more of him

Everyone has that desire, 

so do you and I 

but I am just afraid he didn't feel the same

So you know, if you don't say, people won't know,

I did it slow and keeping myself in the safe zone, 

so I won't get hurt but importantly, I won't look stupid

Everyday, every evening I see him

Then one night we were at the same party, 

Then everything went that way, 

I was glad it was him 

He was shy at first which I cannot believe it at first, 

then that wild animal of his came out,

We were on the same page, playing by the rules,

He was so caring and nice to me, 

the feeling of being cared in that situation,  

everything was so addictive,  

telling myself, what happens, enjoy the moment, no regrets tomorrow

At the end, I was like went a trip back to Disneyland and came back

His eyes staring at me, his smile, that feeling together, still stick in my mind, 

I get a boner everytime I think of it

It's so addictive 

oh and shots. so addcitive to shots, 

what makes me drunk is, 

beer, lots of beer and quick drinking beer

the fastest to get drunk is getting heavy shots

I fast shot and bam, 10 minutes later, I will be like in wonderland, 

So addictive, everything is so fun, enjoying the moment 

I hate smoking or people who smoke 

but when I came here, drinking, party, people will smoke too, 

Even now, when someone smokes beside me, 

it feels so addictive, 

I liked that bundle of smoke that feels so good, 

that sweet grass of smell, brings me to somewhere and relaxed my whole body, 

I want that smell to stay, just inhaling it feels so darn yesss and not doing anything, 

espeially when doing nothing, chilling by the window or sitting at the wall outside the hallway, 

the smell of that light, makes you let go and just enjoy the moment right there. 

Saying about smoke, 

when finishing my lunch alone in the kitchen, 

while I lick my lips and I can taste the sweet taste that I felt on his lips

at that moment, he came into the kitchen , 

what a coincidence, that moment was just so nice, gives me the chills when thinking of it

Another thing I love, 

The people around me now, 

I'm trying to adapt, 

they way they talk, the way they chill, 

I admire how they do things, 

being the cool kids, hah

Trying to learn and adapt how they live their life

they have a so strong perspective they have in life

maybe it's this group of people I met, 

they work their best and party hard,

they do things their way,

Hate it, then get the fuck out of it, 

but still, they really know how to have fun, 

like having fun and being smart in decisions

But one thing I had to accept is, 

they are invinsibily self-centred, 

what they have shown me is,

 they take care of their own business and don't involve in other people's way, 

it's like, when you're having fun, they join in,
when you're in crisis, you need to save your own butt,
 nobody is gonna help to wipe that shit. 

Unlike, asians (not trying to stereotype but it's true)
 they are kind and help when everthing is falling down at that moment. 

Yes, these are the difference, and I'm trying to adapt it, both culture and perceptions, I'm trying to make the best in both, I need to be strong, because there are consequences I need to face. 

I party, drink and play so so hard my entire life (maybe this is just the beginning because this is my first time) 

Trying to fit in and don't want to miss a thing while I have my wings now

telling myself, everything will end soon in another few days, 

then I know one day, I need to face the reality, what I want and do decisions in my life

maybe these are just excuses, 

saying I would stop one day, 

because I am so enjoying it, 

I begin to lose myself, 

not trying to pick up, 

but staying clear and conscious and beware of the consequences I'm going to face along the way