After this fever I'll survive.

11/11 At Robina Town Centre

Kinda regret doing all the things when I thought I have stable down. 

Watched Taiwan love drama, listening to emo songs, 

the worst thing associate with this is my "big aunty" visits me this week. 

Totally bad idea. 

Today when I looked at him wearing those nice looking white shirt,

 I was blown away by his charm, but at the same time,

 I am also very depressed because I knew this wasn't for me to hold on. 

Sometimes even doing the dishes or cooking dinner,

 I could just leave it there and not doing it for him, 

but I just can't, I just want to do it for him.

I still care for him, I am willing to do 

 By the time he asked why did I do for him, 

okay, I lied, 

I told him I have nothing to do so I just did it. 

Every time, I'll be my own self in front of him, 

no one else but him, 

which I think it's already worsen things up. 

He always says I act like a little girl in front of him,

 which indirectly means he doesn't like little girl aye? 

I want to be myself, for once, just in front of him.

I even hate when he hides something from me even it's just a small case

 and I automatically show that bad mood towards him. 

He asked me why do I want to piss off. 

I didn't tell the truth because I knew he's going to step further from me. 

The real reason is because I still care for him,

 I still want to be involved in his life. 

Fcuk I really hate this feeling!!

 I always tell myself to stay strong and don't think of him anymore because nothing is going change.

When oneself falls in DEEP love, 

they will do crazy stuff and say crazy words,

 not going through their brain and they are not living in the reality and of course, 

they won't care the people beside them.

 Even they act like they care, but the reality is, 

they're just doing it so at least they did it and there's no guilt for not doing it. 

They say like they care, but they just said it not to hurt your feelings. 

Yeah fcuk right. (Only applied to some people, not everyone, no offense)\

 I know his feelings and thoughts towards me.

 He's just treating me with courtesy. 

It's like, changing the topic or just making up to me by just doing something else with me. 

After that, facing this reality, 

he still leaves. 

Fcuk I hate this feeling!

 I know it's not mine anymore.

 I'm counting down the days him for him to leave from this house so

 I can really take a break after this 4 months after our breakup!!!!!!!

 I want to move on.

 There are a million reasons I can let go but 

"The heart wants what it wants"

 Fcuk brain, think logically!!!! 

That is when I won't waste my tears on him!

 I just want to hit my keyboards and just express my madness feelings through my words. 

After this, 

I feel much better!

 I don't want my friends to be worried bout me, 

I don't want to waste my time on him, 

I don't want to do anything for the sake of someone.

 Another year, I'll be 21.

 I need to make big decisions by myself.

 I'm aggressive, but

 I will not lie to myself again. 

Always think of the reflection of myself when doing something. 

Especially when I'm mad,

 I'll look at the mirror and see how ugly I am when I'm angry,

 the same thing, 

people do not like the look when you're angry. 

So don't do the things that you yourself don't like it because

 people will even feel disgusted by your actions too!

 Don't just be it, 

people are imperfect, but 

you still need to pleasure others to get a good impression of yourself in them. 

It's reality, but when you play it well,

 that's when satisfaction and comfort comes in life and everything repeats again. 

Problem, settle, survive.   

P.s. Don't worry, I'm fine. Take a chill pill *wink ;) *

Tomato lied

4.30am Brisbane City *i'm not asleep yet* 

Well, another midnight bedtime story.

First, let's name my housemate: tomato

It was midnight, I suddenly had stomachache and went to the toilet,

 I heard tomato was talking with someone in the room, but

 I had no much time to care about because I really need to have my me-time.

After I came out,

 I heard sobbing sounds from tomato's room

I was just curious

 deciding whether to go in to see whether tomato is okay or not. 

But after that, 

tomato opened the door and saw me. 

The lights were all off,

 of course tomato was shocked to see a girl in white and long hair standing outside the room,

 whom was me. I didn't intend to shock him.

So, tomato asked wtf am I doing outside the room.

 I told him I went for me-time. 

Well, tomato didn't believe it so I told tomato to go to smell the bathroom and

 tomato did it *eww lol*,

 Then I asked back why did tomato suddenly came out.

 Tomato said tomato needs to drink water.

 (And then, drank the water taken from own desk inside tomato's room) 

*I was like, erm, I thought you can just drink from your room why come out 

-suspicious-*

Then I asked, are you alright?

 I heard you sobbing inside there. 

Tomato said tomato was playing computer games and

 heard someone coming out of the bathroom,

 so came out to see who is it. 

Oh, then I asked, only playing computer games?

 Tomato answered, yeah playing computer games. 

Then I asked like 3-4 times, and

 tomato answered the same answer,   

 which made me very disappointing..

Tomato was still in shock and scared. 

I told tomato, 

when people do wrong things only you get scared.

 Tomato said, I really got shocked just now.

 And I said "you know what I meant, but now, don't waste my sleeping time on you, Goodnight. 

Then I choose to leave and feeling really sad.

Tomato lied...again..

Not once, but many times.. 

The sad thing is people lie and thought other's really believed it. 

For other's who knows the truth,

 it's really sad when they are lying straight into their eyes.

Why lie?

Protection for the person who lied to?

Well, everyone is selfish, 

we'll probably create a lie to protect ourselves from other people's view.

But just damn it, 

when the other person is hinting you by keep asking you the same question over and over again, means it's fucking obvious they know you're lying and 

they are freaking giving you a chance to clear yourself from this trust issue. 

But sometimes, 

liars are freaking blind to take this opportunity to wipe their mistakes.

Throwing out a white lie, 

people think that won't hurt. 

But,

 in some circumstances like if the "victim" doesn't know the truth,

 then no one gets hurt (for now) and play along. 

If the "victim" knows the truth, 

even a little lie would hurt and question the value in the friendship in terms like 

"why do you choose to lie to me in such SMALL matter!!???"

Everyone lies. 

Yet, people get hurt from lies depending how much they value and

 care for that liar*cough*.. that person.

 The more you are worth in their life,

 the more hurtful it is when they realised you're lying to them. 

The people who hurt you the most, 

are the ones that swore they never would. 

Even it's a pretty small case and they choose to lie,

 which seems that they really don't want you to get in their way,

 since it's like that, then well,

 let's don't waste our time and mental on people who doesn't know to appreciate a friendship. 

Just let it go, it must be a reason why they lie. 

Yet, it's just sad that people chose to go for the shortcut by lying, 

where it will hurt some people,

 In order to get something,

 you'll need to lose something,

 can't get it all.

For me, I would forgive people who lied to me,

 but doesn't mean that I would trust them as much as before. 

Trust is like a paper, once it's crumpled,

 it can't be perfect.

 Well, you can't think everything is going to be perfect in your own way. 

Since everyone is living in their own world, 

we might just enjoy ours too. 

Less caring, less worry.

Life is marvelous when you're laughing, 

so watch runningman. Kwangsoo is awesome!