One mocha please

Well, I went there for a reason

I knew you were there because I need someone to talk to. 

I was heartbroken and was in a terrible mood. 

I knew you were there because it was Tuesday. 

You work on Tuesday night shift as the last time I went it was Tuesday night. 

I was not being myself when I went to there that day. 

That day was someday different for me. 

And you reminded me I sat there for 3 hours which I don't even remember. So 

I thought you were another cliche guys

 offering drinks to other girls like you find interested and you do all these moves.

 Because the next Tuesday when I passed by 

and wanted to say hi to you. 

You were serving customers.

 Seeing you smiling and the look on your eyes looking at them

is the same way you looked at me. 

So, I thought, yeah he treats every customers like that. 

I am thinking too much. 

I am no way special or you would remember me. 

So I took the other road opposite

 so you would not notice me or

 I wouldn't just bump into you and don't know what to say. 

I just recall that every guys are just the same, 

approaching girls and trying out their games with them and playing with their emotions.

 Well, I am just sick of it and don't want myself to get hurt again. 

So, I just pass by the place you work and never want to make any mistakes again 

or overloading myself with hallucinations that would happen to me. 

Yeah, and I pass by every week and saw you but to think nothing is going to happen and everything will be back into places. 

Everyone is going to live our own peaceful busy life. 

. . 

I never had the time to continue to read my book.

 Even I have, it didn't seem right to read my book in any spot.

 I find time to go back there but I was afraid that it would be somehow awkward or 

it doesn't feel the same special place anymore. 

I don't want to lose that vibe reading in that space. 

I told myself to give myself time. 

. . 

So why I went back there.

 I went back for a reason. 

I knew you were there. 

I wanted a break from the mess

 and the first thing I thought was to blog. 

I want to get out of from the house to blog, to calm myself down. 

I knew I would do stupid stuff and cannot control myself if I don't go out from this space. 

I knew you were there. Because it was Tuesday. 

I knew you were there, so I take my guts to go there, 

and did not have any expectations you would remember me. 

. . 

Honestly I don't remember what you would looked like. 

But when I reach there, 

and it recalled to me that I don't remember you looking like this. 

haha. 

I mean looking so charming but way heck,

 I just got myself into conscious and reminded myself, 

I just want to blog. I want to have my own space. 

I want to be alone. 

That's why I sat alone in the corner. I don't want anyone to find me or see me here.

 Because of the wind from the door behind, I was freezing and had no choice just to move in front.

While I was going to blog, I know I am going to break down in tears 

and you would think that I am a weirdo, and to think of that,

 it wasn't a good idea to come here to blog. 

But I packed up myself, reminded myself, 

there's no turning back to that sorrow place

 and it was too far to go to Starbucks or anywhere I could think of. 

So I packed up my mood and started blogging. 

And you came over and offered me my coffee.

 Honestly I was not being myself that night.

 I was gloomy and depress. I wanted to be alone. 

But you came to talk to me. 

I forgot how you started the topic.

 I was trying to be normal as possible

 and hoping you wouldn't see my red nose or tears in my eyes. 

I was faking my smile to look like I am okay.

 Well, I hoped I impressed you with my acting of being nothing is wrong with me. 

I didn't want to over exaggerate that 

I was sad and blogging about how I was going to do stupid things again. 

. . 

So you were talking to me and I was trying to adjust my mood back. 

And I recalled back you were just another guy who would approach any girl you find interested in 

and unfilling boxes like you always do to talk to any people. 

Or you were just doing your job and I was thinking too much again. 

But the more I know you, I find myself became calm 

and realised you were not like other guys.

 You were knowing what you were doing and you were taking control of everything you were doing. 

I felt embarrassed whether I was interrupting you working. 

But you insisted that was okay to have a chat. 

Well, since you insisted. I stayed for awhile. 

It was unusual for me to stay in one place to talk to someone when they're working. 

But I don't want to go back. You were a nice person after all.

 If you were to read this. I am so sorry that I judged you this quick.

 But you were a nice, mature, gentleman and plus points that you look charming, 

which I did say a few times you had that Zac Efron posture. 

I bet you thought I was a weird and scary girl reading the thriller book I told you about hey? 

But I have my story behind that, that's another blog to write. 

. . 

You were doing your stuff and we were chatting. 

Blasting the you so called metal pop music 

which I told you I wouldn't remember the artist's name from your phone 

makes me think of, you have a dark crazy side in your not so Maroon 5 enthusiast 

yet you sang along to Payphone.

You are a judicious person,

 instead of throwing away the sandwiches, you offered me one. 

To let you know, 

I named you Mr Brownie as you treated me Brownie the first time. 

But now, carrot cake and sandwiches? 

I'll stick to brownie just because it was first impression. 

haha.

 I guess you would bring your younger sister to anywhere she wants to go

 or what she wants to do because you talk about her.

 I guess, back in your home, 

you would bring your poodle and a husky, whom you love, 

to jog at the park or buy them food and toys they love 

and they would crawl over you and sleep on your lap.

You believed in fate,

 everything happens for a reason.

 You believed that working there and staying the night shift

 was the fate of meeting someone unexpected.

Sounds like you were happy to meet me 

but I wasn't sure I was thinking too much again 

or it was too good to be true that i was thinking the same thing too. 

You maybe blasting music in the kitchen

 while you're waiting the chicken to be cooked well 

or when you're cycling around singing along to the song

 and waiting for the time to pass, when can the night end for you. 

 Could imagine your room and house would be really clean and tidy 

because you told me you are extremely clean 

which fairly let me think that you have OCD, 

but nah, you are not that extreme to that point 

because you left some small chunks on the plate 

where people who have this disorder would just freakout, 

but you didn't. 

I guess you have been thru a lot in your life, 

working so hard having 2 jobs 

and even hurt yourself. 

Well you care about the bigger things than the smaller ones, 

you are optimistic,

 expecting that your hand will be alright that would not have any risk in the future.

. .

 You were doing your job and I was seeing you working.

 You were so focused in your job and I thought 

it wasn't a right time for me to know more about you.

 I was planning to leave when you were baking

 but you were responding to me and smiling to me that it was okay I can stay for awhile.

 I guess you were too focus on your job 

and thought that I was a nobody following you around the shop while you work.

 I stayed because 

I never felt so nice talking to someone 

and you were alright with it.

 I enjoyed chatting with you and seeing you work 

just because I want to open my own restaurant one day,

 working in a restaurant, it doesn't bore me. 

And looking at someone charming working 

it's not a bad thing and well of course

 it's a wonderful thing. 

. . 

So it was almost 3am, 

I felt tired and telling myself I need to leave before you think 

I am some crazy weirdo girl who wants to stay until the morning as much as I can do so,

 but chill, I don't want, I need to sleep.

 haha.

 I know how you feel working overnight shift, 

feeling your liver is going to crack and

you just cannot wait for the time to pass 

to fall into your comfy bed. 

Just like my mom, 

I companied her when she's working while I do my own stuff 

and gave her support and massage her stiff stressful back when she was working overnight. 

It breaks my heart to see her working that hard. 

I miss her. 

. . 

I gave you my number. 

Never expect that you would call me or contact me in future

 and gave you a handshake nice meeting you 

and remembered your captivating smile as I leave. 

It was nice talking to you that night and my mood was back on track. 

My emotions dragged me to the tip point but

 spending that 7 hours in that warm shop feels like a good unwind for me. 

Thank you, I really need that, 

to distract myself from the world for awhile. 

If you are reading this blog,

 it was nice meeting you.

 I hope that I didn't freak you out with my weirdness. 

See you around sometime :) 

This was my dream

I was running away from something, carrying my baby sister (whom I dont have one) on my hands from some incident in the city area one night.

 I was running and people around me was running too. Booms were exploding behind my head and I was escaping to find a shelter escaping the place. 

Everyone gathered in this one place. I overheard people were discussing that someone is saving us.

This person has some "superpowers" who can duplicate himself. His task was save the people and disappear where no one can find him anymore, even his shadows. He just disappeared.

My father was in the scene making sure that we were fine.

 He was beside me and my baby sister when we were standing among the crowds and being investigated by polis officers and reporters. We were being asked, do you know who is the disappeared man and my dad was suspected whether he is. 

He says how would I be one when I was worried about my daughter. The reporter said,"you weren't on the scene with your daughter when the accident happened." He says, "I was looking or them. I heard about the disappearing man. I am curious too." 

After the reporter and camera man took off the spotlight on my dad, my dad smile and greeted them thanks for the interview. I can imagine my dad's face was on the news screen. After that, my dad went over to talk to Uncle Sam, a Malay uncle that works with my dad's company as a salesman, a loyal and hardworking man doing all the good deeds (that's what I know him outside my dream). He went over and talked to him and discussing something I didn't bother to know. 

I carried my little baby sister around the place and see what is going on with other people on the rooftop, because i remembered we were in a square place and it was  roofless therefore I assumed we were on top of a building. 

Then there's a screen where it was live streaming. 

The disappearing man was caught on cctv camera. 

The guy on the tv looked absolutely like Uncle Sam. 

We saw the whole footage of his reaction on tv. 

He noticed that the cctv caught him going into the flames and hearing somone are coming to chase him. Then he looked panic and nervous when he turned around looking at the cctv. He heard people coming, then he "transformed himself".

The process was like shriking himself into really really thin, then until we could see his skeleton when he's shrinking and in a few SECONDS. All that left was his skeleton bone head on the floor with his clothes. and slowly the skelton head vanished into dust.

 The people who were chasing him was actually pedestrian trying to avoid him going into the flame, the pedestrain was really shocked when they see the skull remained on the floor and looked at the cctv and ran off the place. They were either trying to escape the place or trying to stop people going into the flame because before that, I heard pedestrian on the tv shouting"oi oi get out of there" then the man shrunked himself into skeleton.

After looking at the news, my baby sister and I became suspiscious and looking around the place for Uncle Sam and my dad where they were not around. My sister and I were thinking, is that really him, but we confirmed from what we saw, it was very sure it was him, but why...

*Going into my dad's mind* My dad wants to save the place and protest against the Government who destroyed and making a chaos of this place. He wants to recruit people who are willing to take this risk and people who will able to sacrifice themself to do this good deed. Basically, he was trying to recruit a secret army to defence and protest the government. But people on the news, thinks that he's the bad guy creating all these chaos which he is keeping this a secret so that this will process smoothly. 

Back to my concious and my baby sister's. I came back to reality and realising my sister is looking at a bunch of people discussing about the disappearing man. We went over and hear what they are talking about. 

We were standing beside them and being curious, who is that guy and what does he want from us. Suddenly, my baby sister had this alien connection with the aliens that transmit her to  the future. 

Her eyes became alien-ish and people around started wondering what is going on. 

I said, she's communicating with the aliens of the future, can't you see? 

The people say they cant see anything besides my siser staring and focus on my sight without talking and just silence. I said, can't u see her alien-ish eyes, they say she looks normal. 

Then I realised that I'm the only one who can see her being in the connection. 

When my sister came back into concious, she was dizzy a litlle bit but she's okay. I asked her, what did they told you. And I was connected with her concious and my conscious and was asking a question "is dad the dissapearing man?". She whispered in my ear with her sweet voive "yes he is". Everything came into sense now and we were very confirmed that he is. 

He was experimenting some chemical reaction stuff in the secret labotory with Uncle Sam that can duplicate people. At this moment, they can duplicate at least 2 bodies and disssapear whenever they want after consuming the chemical. But they don't know what is the negative side effects yet. The mission was to save the people. 

After that we saw dad and Uncle Sam again, we went to them and stared at them and my dad was yes what can i help you. Then i looked at him and say, "we know you are the disappearing man." Then his face was like curious and thought what nonsense we are saying. He was declining us but he didn't seem like this is ridiculous which I expect someone would response if they are really not.

 I told him how we found out. Baby sister had this vision from the aliens that you are and we are very confimred it's you. He says, what aliens. But i read his mind, if people know about this, people beside him will get hurt. I understand what he was trying to protect us. 

Then after that, a boom exploded again in the near area and the place shook.  

The last scene I remembered was my dad's justice face of worrying and my baby sister was clam. 

Then I woke up.

Inspiration Monday

Kinda regret I didn't took any pictures of that scene or I would have shared here :( 

Nevertheless, I was inspired when I saw this guy feeding a disabled child when the child was drawing on his small white board at the cafeteria. 

I feel a bliss of bless that this world, kindness and care is somewhere in the corner. 

I guess while he was feeding the little boy, it must feel weird or people looking. 

But in my eyes, 

he is so caring and patient and willing to spend his time on him. 

With the red rose tattoo on his left arm, 

I find him so attractive while taking care of the little guy. 

He was eating small cookie cereals while feeding him, holding a tube putting in yogurt drink and water into the tube that leads to the little guy's chest while the little guy was drawing on his board with his red pen. 

After finishing the little guy's meal, he packed his stuff, giving hand signs to the little boy to close his red pen's cap, letting him to carry his bag, showing hand signs to that little guy, pad his head and left. 

In this few minutes of scene, this inspired me that, why did I want to use my ability to help people who need. I find it touching and there must be a reason for me to see this scene today.

 Reminded me I want to help people too. 

Bless that little kid and hope I get to have a decent conversation with that guy one day. :)

Motivation Strikes: Be the Best version of me

I want to help the community. 

Doing some movements or something that will contribute and help someone those who needs or move people's heart to make a drive to help others.

I want to grab the whole of everything.

 Not only generally in marketing and advertising, more in depth like graphic design, I can make my own design and hold on something I want rather than depending on others who I won't feel satisfied in my guts. I can be dependent and doing it myself and meets other people's expectations. Employer depend on me, employers need me, their profit and reputation is depending on me, rather than me doing all those business calculative decisions. 

I want to do influence people at my work.  People take their moves after looking at my poster or advertisement or end design. I want to do something that move's people's heart, they will feel touched and do something after looking at it.

Because I was influenced by people and things and advertisements. 

I think making people to make a move or change a perspective is so powerful and controlling. People get to listen to you and depend on you is an intangibly powerful way. 

I know what I want, but does time and money allow me to?

I have the potential, I have talent, I love it when I am doing it, with hard work, dedication and  ability, nothing can stop me in what I want to do. Unless it's myself whether that I am stronger than my excuses. 

I am not sure what I am doing now will bring my way.

I am unclear whether what I am doing now in marketing works for me. I know it works for me, I can earn a living, but in the business wise, I am weak in business thinking. I can't be harsh or driven like my friends. I see them, they are really driven business minded people. I can be influential, but I can't be as convincing as them. Even when I am communicating, I admit I am bad at communicating. However, I would want to express it through my work. I admit I am bad at my work and creativity too, which is why I am striving for it and searching for it. Finding what that belongs to me. But with the business wise environment, does it allow me myself to convince I am good enough to break through these limitations?

I want to influence people, I want to convince people. I see artworks, advertisements, poster, billboard displays, events, they made a movement, people see and make that movement. I want to be the movement, I see business people convincing potential partners, I don't know how do they do it and I am somehow not interested how did you do that.

It's not the environment that had me today thinking wildly and madly like this, or probably. 

 I know I was born like this and meant to be doing this. It's good to have the environment finding what I eagerly want. I want to be beyond control, yet able to control people and they will follow unconsciously. I know I want to have the power and I have the ability to do so. To let people have  "oh wow" "hmm yes" "oh great one" "I need to have that" "I will do that".

Imagining my future with my current, I don't belong there. 

I imagine myself, with people in suits in the meeting room discussing the inflation and deflation of the economy affecting their business deciding what shares lose or put. I am not in that space, I would get lost.  I am imagining myself sitting in, the board room discussing ideas with my team helping the community into the next big project to the world or the country. As long as it's big and successful and positive influence, I can imagine it I am in. I want to create and design to help people. I can imagine, after the meeting or work, I attend high end fund raiser party, talking with big people that influence the world to what they are doing. With red classy gown holding a glass of champagne discussing with big names in the room, making potential partnerships and relationships with my organization. Not only business people will be here, I can also influence people with my works. 

Am I thinking too much, no,

 Because I believe there are people out there who lives like this. Rarely, but yes. The pathway to success is not difficult to get, because people who are consistent are rare. I don't need no Gucci or Prada, I want to satisfy my needs and able to earn a living for myself without troubles whilst enjoying what I do, enjoy my job. With those sleepless working nights or cups of coffee that would make me sick, yet I am still satisfied with my job and people pay for what I enjoy doing. This is the most powerful and satisfying thing in the world. 

Currently I feel weak.

 Classmates in my class who has already the ability and talent to do so makes me so envious to be like them. I have high demands for myself. Seeing them, I feel weak, I am no much closer to them. I feel so shallow and weak, yet I demand so much for myself to be them or better than them, be one of them. 

I want to do it and I have to do it. 

I have no time or no energy to wish something that I can make it come true. I want to be a wholesome of all everything I am capable of. Or else, I can't sleep or I can't live my life like that, I will feel sorry for myself and therefore I will not. I am still searching for it and still exploring for what I am. They say, make goals everyday that meets your end goal. Well, I know what is my goal is, time to move my ass to contribute hard work and consistency and determination on my movements. It's not how much you dream of, is how much you have started.

Results, Movements, Improvements. That is what I strive for. Tick of every day goal on my list, to reach out for my goal.