July Addictions

I am at my worst now throughout my almost 21 years

At first, I just wanted to try new things, experience new things

At first, it was so fun, so eye opening, so fun

Living the life I thought was really cool

The first time I first experience, 

clubbing

It was so exciting when I am going to feel the never ending nights

I was happy with that, my first experience will be dedicated to this wonderful place

I told myself

Whatever happens, I am going to be open minded to all of this

Holding someone's hand I trust, going through this whole experience 

I am dependable, I trust people so easily that I did not realise
I would hurt myself one day (today)

Going through the nights, surrounded by beautiful people and holding that cup of beer

Beer after beer , wanna lose myself in the music, wanna throw myself into someone

I was happy, I was having so much fun, I wanna do it again and again

So addicted to it, beer and party 

That feeling was like a drug 

Here, I can be anyone, 

Letting go of myself and be who I wanna be 

Here, people accept for who you are (physically)

But at some point, they talk behind your back

That happens right

So I have a choice, 

showing people what I want them to know about me

Another night, another cute guy

it was not easy to approach them, 

but this wasn't my first time

like I said

when you enjoy doing something

It's like a drug, 

you wanna do it again and again

as long as you're at the safe zone

unless you're a pussy 

or you just don't wanna take the risk

Another hookup at this place, 

At first it was pretty awkward, 

After that, just go with the flow

After that happen, no one leaves anything

The next day, it's a new day again

I met this guy almost everyday

Him passing by me and giving me that look and that smile, 

So charming and I just wanna see more or even get more of him

Everyone has that desire, 

so do you and I 

but I am just afraid he didn't feel the same

So you know, if you don't say, people won't know,

I did it slow and keeping myself in the safe zone, 

so I won't get hurt but importantly, I won't look stupid

Everyday, every evening I see him

Then one night we were at the same party, 

Then everything went that way, 

I was glad it was him 

He was shy at first which I cannot believe it at first, 

then that wild animal of his came out,

We were on the same page, playing by the rules,

He was so caring and nice to me, 

the feeling of being cared in that situation,  

everything was so addictive,  

telling myself, what happens, enjoy the moment, no regrets tomorrow

At the end, I was like went a trip back to Disneyland and came back

His eyes staring at me, his smile, that feeling together, still stick in my mind, 

I get a boner everytime I think of it

It's so addictive 

oh and shots. so addcitive to shots, 

what makes me drunk is, 

beer, lots of beer and quick drinking beer

the fastest to get drunk is getting heavy shots

I fast shot and bam, 10 minutes later, I will be like in wonderland, 

So addictive, everything is so fun, enjoying the moment 

I hate smoking or people who smoke 

but when I came here, drinking, party, people will smoke too, 

Even now, when someone smokes beside me, 

it feels so addictive, 

I liked that bundle of smoke that feels so good, 

that sweet grass of smell, brings me to somewhere and relaxed my whole body, 

I want that smell to stay, just inhaling it feels so darn yesss and not doing anything, 

espeially when doing nothing, chilling by the window or sitting at the wall outside the hallway, 

the smell of that light, makes you let go and just enjoy the moment right there. 

Saying about smoke, 

when finishing my lunch alone in the kitchen, 

while I lick my lips and I can taste the sweet taste that I felt on his lips

at that moment, he came into the kitchen , 

what a coincidence, that moment was just so nice, gives me the chills when thinking of it

Another thing I love, 

The people around me now, 

I'm trying to adapt, 

they way they talk, the way they chill, 

I admire how they do things, 

being the cool kids, hah

Trying to learn and adapt how they live their life

they have a so strong perspective they have in life

maybe it's this group of people I met, 

they work their best and party hard,

they do things their way,

Hate it, then get the fuck out of it, 

but still, they really know how to have fun, 

like having fun and being smart in decisions

But one thing I had to accept is, 

they are invinsibily self-centred, 

what they have shown me is,

 they take care of their own business and don't involve in other people's way, 

it's like, when you're having fun, they join in,
when you're in crisis, you need to save your own butt,
 nobody is gonna help to wipe that shit. 

Unlike, asians (not trying to stereotype but it's true)
 they are kind and help when everthing is falling down at that moment. 

Yes, these are the difference, and I'm trying to adapt it, both culture and perceptions, I'm trying to make the best in both, I need to be strong, because there are consequences I need to face. 

I party, drink and play so so hard my entire life (maybe this is just the beginning because this is my first time) 

Trying to fit in and don't want to miss a thing while I have my wings now

telling myself, everything will end soon in another few days, 

then I know one day, I need to face the reality, what I want and do decisions in my life

maybe these are just excuses, 

saying I would stop one day, 

because I am so enjoying it, 

I begin to lose myself, 

not trying to pick up, 

but staying clear and conscious and beware of the consequences I'm going to face along the way